I grew up in an all-White neighborhood and remember being cautioned about driving through (let alone stopping in) neighborhoods that were quite literally on the other side of the train tracks.  My parents never explicitly stated that black and brown-bodied folks lived in those other neighborhoods, although that was the reason they warned us not to go there.  I remember a visceral fear flooding my body when we had sporting events at schools in those neighborhoods.  I remember feeling confused by this visceral fear because nothing bad ever actually happened to me or my teammates.  It was an unjustified and intangible fear.  Today, I know that I was experiencing the social conditioning of White Supremacy Culture and Racism- better than, othering, fear, either/or thinking, dehumanizing. 

I strive to be different with my child, Claire.  Not that I blame my parents as they were doing what they thought was best.  Claire went through the 2016 election and walked in the Women’s March in January 2017 in Los Angeles in my womb.  The following January when she was 10 months old, she marched in the Martin Luther King, Jr. parade in Seaside, CA and the Women’s March in Kona, HI.  We read books like All Are Welcome and the Little Feminist Board Book Set.  We watched Doc McStuffins, Elena of Avalor, Bluey and Daniel Tiger. 

This past January, she asked me if I knew Martin Luther King, Jr. and informed me that he stood up so Black people didn’t have to only sit in the back of the bus.  Our conversation unfolded like this:

Me: I don’t personally know Martin Luther King, Jr., but I know about him.  He was a leader of Civil Rights and one of the many things he and his friends did was make it so Black people could sit anywhere on the bus.  One of his friends, Rosa Parks played a big role in changing the bus rule.  They helped fight against racism.

Claire: What is racism?

Me:  Well racism is a system that makes White people be better than Black People, and all people of color for that matter.  It is a flawed system that has caused a lot of pain to generations of people. 

Claire:  What do you mean?  What kind of pain?

Me:  Well in our country, the United States, started out with this idea that people with White skin were better and more human than people with other skin color.  And it allowed people with White skin to get things that people of color couldn’t get, like special treatment by police officers and homes that they could own instead of rent.  And it allowed White people to hurt people of color by taking away their babies and sometimes even hitting them and killing them.  We are White and we do not believe that we are better or more worthy of legal protection and homeownership than people of color.  We stand up when we see people of color being hurt by racism.

Claire: You know what I think Mama?  Racism is the fuckiest.*

We both giggled.

Me:  You know what Claire?  You are right.  It really is the fuckiest.  That’s a very appropriate time to cuss.

Claire: But wait…is fuckiest even a word?

Me: You know, I’m not totally sure about that, but it is now.

I shared this story with a handful of friends and colleagues who all had the same reaction: That needs to be a t-shirt!  When I asked Claire if she would sound out and write the phrase for me in her own handwriting, she said no.  It had a bad word in it and she didn’t want to get in trouble if it was seen by anyone outside our house.  We talked through why she would not get in trouble and she agreed to think about it.  On the way home from school a few days later, she said she would write it for $100.  To which I responded that if she wrote it for me, our business could turn it into t-shirts and she could maybe earn more than $100.  As soon as we got home, she wrote “Resism Is The Fukiest. Claire 5yo” and said she would be on the sidewalk setting up a table to sell t-shirts…a budding entrepreneur.

Since that conversation, she and I talked about her privilege in having access to capital to produce items to sell and her responsibility to share any proceeds with her community.  She chose a non-profit that offers pro bono equine therapy for low income youth in our neighborhood because “she loves horses and wants everyone to have a chance to pet them.”

As a parent with many, many privileged identities- White, Cisgendered, Heterosexual, homeowner, PhD, to name a few- my work is never done in fostering a confident, compassionate, curious, kind human who values diversity, celebrates culture and advocates for change on all levels of society.  It starts with me doing my own work, making mistakes and learning new ways of connecting across cultures, and using my privilege to dismantle systems of oppression.  This conversation with Claire about racism may not have been perfect and I wondered if my language and wording were developmentally appropriate.  But it seemed to have resonated with her at that moment.  And the conversation is on-going.

If you’re interested in purchasing a Resism Is The Fukiest product, please check out our Community Store.

 *A note on using profanity: Claire and I have a rule that she can use profanity ONLY at home when we don’t have guests over and a situation calls for it.  Claire’s dad and I have had a few discussion about this rule because he is not comfortable with the “f-word” from anyone. That said, he is in support of this project. Maybe I’ll write another blog post about this parenting decision.  So far, she’s only broken the rule once while in preschool for which she lost a privilege.