Impostor No More: My Journey to “Resparklize” My ADHD Brain
What is the Imposter Phenomenon?
“Though (most people experiencing the Impostor Phenomenon) are often very successful by external standards, they feel their success has been due to some mysterious fluke or luck or great effort; they are afraid their achievements are due to “breaks” and not the result of their own ability and competence. They are also pretty certain that, unless they go to gargantuan efforts to do so, success cannot be repeated. They are afraid that ‘next time, I will blow it.’” Pauline Rose Clance, Impostor Phenomenon
As I read the author’s description of living life through an impostor lens in 1987, I felt pure relief. I wasn’t alone in feeling this way?! She was the first to put a name to the condition I’d lived with as long as I could recall. Intellectually, I knew it was silly to feel this way. Deep in my soul, however, my Inner Impostor ruled.
Natural Allies: Undiagnosed ADHD and Impostor Phenomenon
Two decades would pass before I made the liberating connection between Inner Impostor, and my brain’s wiring. In 2001, two friends asked if I thought it possible that I had ADHD. I was skeptical. That wasn’t really a thing, was it? I investigated and learned that I do have ADHD.
In that same 20 years, how society thinks and talks about ADHD has changed dramatically. The sheer number of us who arrive late, misplace keys, lose focus mid-conversation and then laughingly chalk it up to “my ADHD” leaves the impression that ADHD is widespread and humorous. That we’re all a little ADHD-ish, right?
Ahem. Nope.
Some helpful facts:
An estimated 5% of the population actually has clinically diagnosable ADHD.
Of that group, around 15% have actually been diagnosed.
ADHD is a neurological disorder, not a choice or a lack of trying.
An ADHD diagnosis requires that the symptoms of inattention and/or hyperactivity-impulsivity are chronic or long-lasting and impair the person’s functioning.
This post is my story about how undiagnosed ADHD convinced me- a productive, vibrant and succeeding woman- that I was merely a successful impostor. AND it’s the story of how I personally found freedom, self-love and authenticity by understanding my brain.
My Inner Impostor was an outstanding performer. On the outside, I looked put together and professional. I accomplished things. I rose through 5 levels of sales management in 9 years with a Fortune 25 firm. Blessed with good instincts and people skills, I was promoted until I reached a role that no longer played to my strengths. When I left corporate, I started a training-coaching firm and led workshops where workaholic tech types got to reflect and clarify their values and purpose. There were waiting lists for my class. It was magical. I loved my work.
Inner Impostor Fueled By No More Structure
Then the tech bubble burst in the early 2000s. It left me with a calendar of cancelled training days and rampant unstructured time. I’d been incredibly fortunate – able to do what I love and let the money follow. The gigs I’d accepted to this point tapped my innate strengths. I instinctively avoided anything that didn’t.
I was unconsciously competent. What I mean is, I always came through for clients. I just didn’t understand how my results came about. Now, with no clients, there was nothing for my brain to react to. I felt foggy and inept.
At 43, I was diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety as a co-existing condition. ADHD is accompanied by a coexisting condition 80% of the time. The intake notes from the ADHD clinic described me as “high performing with a gift for leaving the wrong situations at the right time.”
I began reading everything written about ADHD. I even called Dr. Ned Hallowell, a leading expert in the ADHD field. He answered his own phone and connected me with an ADHD Coach. I changed diet, fitness and started meds. I was learning how to care for my brain. Things seemed better – yet, I worked all the time it seemed. And others told me I was the hardest working person they knew. But hey – I was building my business, right?
My Inner Impostor meets Executive Function Deficits
Soon after my diagnosis, I won a year-long training contract with a large tech client. I now needed to engage with executives, negotiate fees, source instructional content, contract other trainers, make financial investments and deliver training internationally. In other words, I had to coordinate complex processes. As my colleague and ADHD Coach Diane McClean says,
‘…when the coordination of many different complex neurological processes is required, it is for the ADHD brain, the equivalent of ‘trying to prepare an elaborate Thanksgiving dinner and drive through downtown New York City – at the same time.’
My confidence unraveled. I was very good at working very hard. I increased my work hours. Yet all the hours in a week didn’t help me cut through the intimidation and fog. “See?” cackled my Inner Impostor, “You are a fake.”
Good Indiana girl that I am, I soldiered on and told no one. I struggled privately with the fear and self-doubt and pretended to have it all together publicly. I tried harder.
Inattentive ADHD and The Impostor
Finally, in training for my ADHD Coach certification, I learned that when my brain grows bored and inattentive, the answer is never to try harder, which feeds my Inner Impostor.
The only way to refocus my ADHD brain, as Master Coach and Inattentive ADHD expert Barbara Luther says, is to resparklize things. I learned that my brain wanted to accomplish tasks. It just needed me to make these tasks interesting again! To resparklize them. And then address those tasks in ADHD-friendly ways.
By the way, my client was delighted and renewed our contract three times.
Our Impostor’s Role
If you’re still reading, you likely relate to my experience. Some things to know for sure:
The Impostor Phenomenon loves ADHD brains.
We are more highly sensitive.
We are often ashamed of what we (incorrectly) perceive as broken.
We are prone to rumination and the Impostor Phenomenon pushes “replay” again and again on unhelpful stories.
The Impostor’s sole purpose is to protect us from intimidating and potentially embarrassing situations. If she can turn our fears (False Evidence Appearing Real) into rock solid beliefs, then we will stay safe by withdrawing, doubting ourselves more and avoiding intimidating experiences. We wither.
The challenge is if the Imposter successfully protects us, she only insures that we never access our most authentic, whole-hearted lives.
You, Me & Our Resparklized Brains
You and me? We are creative, resourceful and whole, my friends. And the world needs your gifts and your voice more than ever. I’m proud to say that I am actively re-sparklizing my life’s work. This blog post and the upcoming workshops are important and sparkling to me. As for my Inner Impostor, she’s still here and sometimes, she’s extra loud.
She’s just not in charge anymore;-)
Related Resources
Dr. Pauline Rose Clance – Author – The Impostor Phenomenon: http://paulineroseclance.com/impostor_phenomenon.html
National Institute of Mental Health ADHD Definition: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-adhd/index.shtml
Barbara Luther, MCC, MCAC: https://addca.com/adhd-coach-training/ADHD-Blog-Details/living_with_inattentive_adhd/
Diane McClean, MEd, PCC: https://www.execskills.com/single-post/2018/04/14/Writing-The-Perfect-Storm-for-Students-with-ADHD
Dr. Ned Hallowell – Author - Drive to Distraction: http://www.drhallowell.com/add-adhd/top10questions/