Thoughts of Suicide…What can I say? What can I do?
“I want to kill myself.” According to my mom, this is the statement that led to my first therapy appointment. I don’t remember saying those words when I was 8 years old. Ten years later, I remember feeling hopeless and helpless in college. One fall day, I just stood in the campus quad staring blankly at the trees while other students hustled here and there. I remember thinking “what is the purpose of life?” not in an existential way, but in a “how am I going to make it?” kind of way. That sentiment stuck with me throughout most of my twenties. Until one Thursday night in my mid-30s. That thought became “I can’t handle this pain anymore. I need to end it.” I had a plan, a timeframe, and access to the means. I would express order pills online to end my life on Saturday. My situation seemed unbearable, and I had no idea how to get out of it.
Fortunately, somewhere deep in my soul I heard my grandmother’s voice whisper “Tell your family. Tell your family. They will help you. Tell your family. Tell your family. They will help you.” Her faint voice saved my life. I did not order the pills. The following day I went to my dad’s house and told him and my stepmom. Then I called my mom and sister. Since then, a beautiful, intense, vulnerable, and painstakingly rewarding healing journey has ensued with an incredible support system of professionals, family, and close friends, living and dead.
I have a lot of privilege. I am White, cisgender, heterosexual, middle-high socioeconomic status, homeowner, PhD doctor, mother, sister, daughter, niece, cousin, granddaughter, and spouse. My parents did not let stigma stop them from getting help when I was a child, even though they parked around the corner from the therapist’s office so that any friends who happened to drive by wouldn’t see their car there. We generally trusted our health care providers and always had private insurance. My elementary, middle, and high schools had a school counselor with whom I had a good relationship. I regularly saw a pediatrician and dentist. I lived in a neighborhood that was free from street violence, although plagued with addiction, misogyny, sexism, and other types of trauma.
All my privileges were (are) protective factors against worsening mental health challenges. Yet, suicidal ideation persisted on and off for decades. I’ve actively engaged in weekly trauma healing for almost ten years. I befriended my suicidal part and appreciate its intention- to take me away from pain. It helped me feel like I could control something in an environment where I seemingly had very little control. Now, my suicide part is mostly quiet. I’ve learned new ways to cope with pain and feel in control of my life. When suicide whispers to me, it gives me a warning signal that I need to pause, rest, take care of myself and activate my support network.
Sadly, suicide rates increased 36% between 2000 and 2021 (CDC, 2023), when I finished college, earned advanced degrees in counseling, and continued to struggle with suicide. In 2021, over 48,000 people died by suicide, which is 1 death every 11 minutes. Even more heartbreaking is that Veterans, people who live in rural areas, sexual and gender minorities, middle-aged adults, people of color and tribal populations experience higher rates of suicidal ideation, attempts and death (CDC, 2023). In fact, 41% of LGBTQ youth seriously considered attempting suicide in 2022…and those youth who identify as transgender, nonbinary, and/or people of color reported even higher rates of seriously contemplating suicide (The Trevor Project 2023 National Survey). Additionally, nearly 2 out of 3 LBGTQ young people reported that anti-LGBTQ policies and legislation, including banning people from discussing LGBTQ people at school, negatively impacted their mental health (The Trevor Project 2023 National Survey). These societal and environmental risk factors coupled with limited access to mental health care are HUGE barriers to overcome when you are already struggling with thoughts of suicide.
There is HOPE. I know firsthand that healing and recovery can include decreasing, and even eradicating, suicidal thoughts and behavior. This past December, I had a moment alone on top of a big snowy mountain looking out across a valley sprinkled with sunlight through the clouds. I felt peace, gratitude, relief, hope, joy, compassion, and love for the healing I’ve done, the loved ones who have been there with me along the way, my sweet little family of 3, and all of the beautiful work I engage in with MHC. I know not everyone has the privileges – unearned and earned – that I have. My HOPE is to offer ways that support systems can help loved ones struggling with suicide. You are not alone.
What can you DO to help a loved one struggling with suicide?
SAVE the numbers of crisis helplines in your phone so you can easily USE and SHARE them when needed. My favorites are:
CrisisTextLine- 741741
The Trevor Project- 678-678
Suicide & Crisis Lifeline- 988
LEARN about these services by reviewing their websites.
TALK openly about Mental Health, including mental well-being, mental health challenges, suicide, and other crises.
VISIT Know the Signs (https://www.suicideispreventable.org/) for more suggestions on talking about suicide.
ENGAGE in social interactions with loved ones doing things other than talking about suicide and mental health…like watch movies, take walks, eat lunch outdoors, play games, make art, and more.
GET certified in Youth Mental Health First Aid and learn how to do a suicide risk assessment.
TAKE a mindfulness workshop with your family and friends.
KNOW the professional resources you have access to…like your primary care doctor, pediatrician, mental health practitioners in schools and organizations, therapists in your insurance network, and a Mental Health Connect counselor, to name a few…that can help you learn more about how to help a loved one struggling with thoughts of suicide.
DO your own self-care because we know it is hard to see someone you love struggle with mental health challenges.
